Monday, June 16, 2025

Father Figures and Daddy Issues

Much of my writing centers around women with absentee fathers, so it should come as no surprise that I had an absentee father. Here's the thing: I didn't realize he was an absentee father until I became a parent. As a child, I thought it was perfectly normal to only see my dad for two months during the summer. Sure, he'd come to town for Christmas in the beginning, but those mid-year sightings became less and less, almost corresponding with the reveal of Santa's falsehood. (Talk about ripping a girl's childhood wonder right out from under her---no Santa and no Christmas visit from Dad. What a harsh crack of reality.)

Despite the limited quality time, there are good memories with my dad: him placing his hand behind his back and opening and closing it in a sign for me to grab it, singing with him while driving across states in the dead of the night, listening to him regale customers and friends with his charismatic storytelling. Flashes of these fond memories are still able to shine light through the years of absence, wondering if he would finally show up for one of my theatre productions, waiting to hear what he thought about the recording of my voice recital, hoping he would call me for a pop-up visit while traveling across the country. He was by no means a bad father; he just wasn't there when I needed him. 

My husband is ALWAYS present, for me and the kids. (Okay, maybe he's not the best at answering text messages, but if I call repeatedly, he picks up.) He plays with our children, has long conversations with them about life, reads and sings to them every night at bedtime. We go on family vacations, family bike rides, family grocery store outings, family walks...we are a family and we do everything together. Sure, it helps that my husband and I are happily married and he lives in the same state, but he also WANTS to hang with our children because he genuinely likes them and enjoys seeing who they are growing into. And he knows how important HIS PRESENCE is in their life, that how he treats them is going to influence how they see themselves for the rest of their lives. Seeing my husband become a father has been one of the biggest joys of my life, as well as one of the biggest lessons. 

I'll continue to work through my daddy issues within my writing (hey, every writer needs some childhood trauma for creative inspiration) but I can also write about parenting from my own perspective of being a parent and seeing my husband be such a good father figure. In Another Dance, though Jason is deceased, readers are able to see his immense love for his family despite his personal struggles.  In Road Maps, Logan and Malcolm have a chance to work through their torrid past. And through all of my writing, I can pay homage to my past, present, and future experiences with parenting. 

With Father's Day being yesterday (as of this post publishing), I realize it can be a tough day for many: those whose fathers have passed away, those who have strained relationships, or even those who just aren't close in proximity. I'm lucky to be able to celebrate men in my life that show me not only what a good father is, but what a good man should be. 

So I'm going to end by including the Facebook post message I published yesterday for Father's Day: 

I could never have written such a loving father character if I didn't have my husband as inspiration. Jeremy, I'm so lucky to have a partner who is present, engaged, and playful and who supports and loves me and our children unconditionally.

Happy Father's Day to the men out there who give their all--their time, energy, patience, and love--to their families. Your presence and impact holds a lifetime of importance.

Even if you have a complicated relationship with father figures in your life, I hope you have some glimmers of joy in your memories and others you can look to for example and admiration. And, if anything, use the inspiration and create stories that you want and need. That's what I'll continue to do.






Sunday, June 1, 2025

Summer Reading

 Summertime has always been a distinct reset for me, a hard turn from the rest of the year and a couple months of distance from the status quo. Sure, like all children, I had summer break, but my summer break was more dramatic than most children's. From kindergarten to ninth grade, my dad would pick me up in small-town Agency, Iowa and we'd drive across the midwest to Niagara Falls, New York where I'd spend my summer with my dad and step-mom. Everything was different: the weather, the rules of the house, the way we spent weekends. But most impactful was the isolation. I was usually the only kid. My sister, nine years older, stayed in Iowa once she started drivers ed and had a job (as teenagers do and as I would eventually do) and my teenage step-brother had his own cool teenage life, working on motorcycles and playing in a hair-metal band. My dad still had to work, and my step-mom, an artist who worked late into the night, would often sleep until the afternoon. Sure, we had some fun travels throughout the years--Lake George, North Carolina, King's Island in Cincinnati, and numerous art festivals throughout New York--but most of my summer was spent roaming the house or yard alone. So what did I do? 

I read. I devoured books like I was starving and they were an all-you-can-eat buffet. I started with classics like E.B. White's Charlotte's Web and The Trumpeter Swan, The Boxcar Children, graduated to R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series and later the Fear Street books. I was obsessed with horses for a time and read Joanna Campbell's Thoroughbred series. Sometimes my step-mom would take me to a used bookstore and I would load up on teen novels about unplanned pregnancies or even adult fiction like The Horse Whisperer (which I read when I was 11. Let's just say I was an advanced reader...and I loved it and may have found my obsession with romance during these years...) 

So, yes, while I was actually traveling during the summer and away from my mom's home, I was still restrained by my parents' schedules and lack of friends. However, I was freed by reading, able to explore many worlds, lives, and perspectives. 

Most adults lose that summertime divide, their jobs continuing despite the seasonal shift. As a teacher, I never had to experience that harsh change into year-long adulting. Now my summers are a time for physical rest and mental reset. Not only do I get to spend the summers with my children, but I also designate summer as my heavy reading and writing season. Last summer, I woke up every day at 5 AM when my husband was waking up for work, wrote until the kids needed me, and I finished my draft in two months. I also read nearly fifteen books in those ten weeks. 

(Some of the books I read last summer)

I'm no longer limited in my own travels;  taking my kids to visit family and friends across the state and planning at least one week-long vacation every summer; but I still read to travel in my own mind, to expand my perspective and experience, and to feel along with characters and learn what others go through amid unique experiences. 

Summer can hold a lot of expectations: jet-setting, relaxation, and extreme fun for all. But sometimes it's unrealistic to jam all of that into ten weeks (or even less if you're a working adult with a more constrictive schedule). But you can read anywhere and anytime. You are not restricted by location, weather, or lack of funds. Books can be the escape you need. They were for me as a kid spending lonely summers in New York, and they still are when I just need a moment of reprieve from my kids' fighting or whining about being bored. (And we are one day into the summer and I've already heard this multiple times...)

This summer, I plan on filling up with as many books as I can, feeding my soul with stories and new understanding about humans with diverse backgrounds and experiences. Because I'm always hungry for literary fulfillment and summertime is my smorgasbord. Soup's on!

So, what's on your reading menu this summer? 

Put Another Dance on your summertime TBR! 

Father Figures and Daddy Issues

M uch of my writing centers around women with absentee fathers, so it should come as no surprise that I had an absentee father. Here's t...