Failure and Rationalizing

 I've been feeling bad about myself lately. When I am seemingly "failing" at one of my goals, I internalize all that failure and guilt and react in one of two ways: mope around and whine about not being productive, or overcorrect and stress myself out by trying to accomplish ALL the things. 

And, no matter what direction I take, I ALWAYS complain to my husband about my inadequacies. Because he's used to these rants, he usually stays quiet, so I carry on the other side of the conversation, as well, rationalizing why I haven't been productive. 

*I'm in the middle of my busy time at work, with speech competitions every week

*The kids have a lot going on

*I have so many chores to catch up on

*Laundry, laundry, laundry!

*I'm just not in the headspace to write

*I'm just not in the headspace to market

*I'm just not in the headspace to grade, or lesson plan, or send emails...

Okay, okay, some of the excuses are pretty lame, but there is something to be said about having to balance work, home life, and passionate pursuits. It's tough! I already feel like I never have enough time, and I've now chosen to fill up my time even more with writing, book events, marketing. Am I just insane?

Yes. Yes, I am. 

But that's beside the point, and not the focus of this post. The focus of this post is my penchant for making excuses. 

But do I need to even bother making excuses? So what if I have an off-week? Does that make me a complete failure? Reading a book instead of writing could be seen as research. And choosing to play board games with my children makes me a good mom. Like, a really good mom. And watching television can be good for my mental health...unless it's reality TV. 

Okay, I'm rationalizing again. Instead, I just need to be unapologetic about my choices, realize I can always work towards my goals tomorrow, and trust myself to listen to what my mind, body, and family need. 

AND by writing this blog, I'm chiseling away at my goals. See, I can work through my mental demons and be productive at the same time! (Okay, I'm rationalizing...again.) 

Well, hopefully this self-berating/pep talk sticks for at least a week and I can forgive myself enough to accomplish...or not accomplish something this week. Crap. I'm back to it. Guess I'm a work-in-progress. But for right now, there's a load of laundry that needs my attention. 

Weaknesses, Writing, and Learning to Try

One of my weaknesses is that I don't like doing something if I'm not immediately good at it. I realize the limitations of this personality trait, believe me, I do. A huge regret in my life is that I never learned how to play guitar. I tried. My dad paid for lessons and bought me a beautiful instrument, but the company I attended for lessons kept switching up my instructors, and my fingers were too short to push all the strings down on those power chords. Anyway, inconsistent teachings and anatomical shortcomings led me to finally quit...as well as the fact that I just wasn't catching on...so I lost interest. 

Other hobbies and skills I gave up after quickly realizing my natural inadequacies: 

• driving stick shift
• skiing
• lifeguarding 
• living alone
• majoring in journalism
• functioning with manicured nails
• riddle-solving

It's a good thing I was pretty successful with writing right away. Okay, maybe not successful, but at least able to complete the task in a semi-decent way. And, boy, did I jump into the deep end! It started out with my desire to write, and the only way I saw the story in my head was as a mental movie that would be suited as a two-hour film or full novel. So I started writing and I completed my first novel Painting Walls. However, I was not immediately successful at obtaining a literary agent, so I went the self-publishing route (very different in 2013 than now). Then I started writing a sci-fi trilogy. Go big or go home! Well, I finished the first book, placed as a finalist in a contest, started writing the second installment, then stopped when I changed jobs and started having children. Guess I wasn't good at the trilogy-thing. 

However, I wasn't completed deterred, writing an ensemble for speech contest in 2017: a less-than-fifteen-minute play titled "Contentless Love", a love story reusing a content-less A/B acting scene for different stages of a relationship. It was nominated for All-State and my students performed it to perfection! I guess I was lucky with that first one, and a few years after having my second child, I went for it again. I've now written an All-State nominated One Act and two more ensembles (All-State nominations still to be seen). Oh, and I published Another Dance with Bookpress Publishing and am working on my second release Road Maps. 

So what is the point of all this? To brag about my writing and directing skills? Maybe. To thank my lucky stars that I stuck with something that takes vulnerability, failure, and self-doubt. For sure. But moreso, to reflect on my own strengths and weaknesses and re-evaluate how I go about life. If I can make a go of this writing-gig, a notoriously tough path filled with emotional and mental upheaval, and still keep a semblance of confidence, maybe I should revisit some of those past deserted hobbies. I really should try my hand at guitar again. It's not too late! Who knows, maybe my fingers grew longer. And maybe I should try to drive stick shift. My husband knows how; maybe he'll teach me (and hopefully our love will be able to endure). And I could go get a manicure! Sure, I won't wear pants with a fly since that was my original struggle, but sweatpants are so in-season right now. So I guess it only took forty years for me to build up enough tenacity to tackle new things that I may never conquer. I call that a win. 

But I will never ever try skiing again.  And why is that? you may ask. Well, that's a whole other story...and maybe a future blog post.