I have been in a horrible mood today. I'm depressed, I'm short, I'm just downright done with everything. There's many reasons this cloud has settled over me today:
1) A not-so-successful book event has left me feeling like a failure, doubting the investment of my time, money, and energy into a cruel endeavor such as writing
2) Feeling unsettled due to upcoming floor renovations on the main floor of our house, resulting in our clearing of all our kitchen appliances, kitchen and dining furniture, and TONS of knick knacks.
3) The end of my spring break in which I didn't go on a vacation, but rather stayed at home with the capricious Iowa weather which was not on our side. In short, my children and I have extreme cabin fever and need to be separated.
4) Communication issues with students about an upcoming speech event leaving me scrambling, asking for favors, and possibly accepting the fact that I will have not one but two students unable to perform due to my ignorance of other events going on in the state.
5) Just a general malaise that could be attributed to hormones, season affect disorder, stress, or other situation factors.
I'm a person that likes to have my belongings and life in order. If not, I feel as if I've lost control, which is my ultimate nightmare. Maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much; I have control over the story and am able to write the characters and endings as I want. Or maybe I'm trying to teach myself some of those life lessons since I do like to throw my characters into chaos. Hmmm...
I know I can't control everything (at least I tell myself that) and I understand that I have a good life, that I shouldn't feel so down about these things, but my discomfort has been unshakeable. So what's to be done? Maybe writing and taking control of the situation will help me process and move on. Okay, let's turn these issues around:
1) I have had the opportunity to publish a book, many people have purchased it, and many have enjoyed it. I believe in the story, so I should be proud of my endeavors and just keep trying, knowing that there will be ups and downs and at least I have the ability and support to participate in book events.
2) Hopefully, my floors will look beautiful, and all my belongings will be returned to their original places. And my husband is on vacation, so he can probably do most of the moving...
3) At least I had a spring break and time with my children. And there's summer break to look forward to, as well as a family trip to Gatlinburg. I have a pretty sweet schedule in having time off and I should treasure rather than bemoan it while comparing to others' more exotic trips.
4) If students don't get to perform, it's not going to affect me, nor them. There's no point dwelling. And, there's always next year, and I'll do better with scheduling.
5) Spring is here; summer is close. There are sunny days in the future. We just bought bicycles so we can enjoy upcoming nice days. And I have a birthday coming up, and I feel and look good for my age.
So, yeah, that actually helped. Putting words on the page and casting my feelings from my heart and brain to a easel beyond me has left me feeling a bit freer, a little lighter.
Bad moods happen. Disappointment occurs. But there's also a natural cycle to life, and writing about the positive does seem to have knocked the pendulum back, so here's to a new season, a new week, and hopefully new opportunities coming my way.
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