Why am I such a Nervous Nelly?
Really, if I were someone that didn't seek attention, it would make sense that I would get nervous before interviews, book events, performances, karaoke songs, first days of new terms... But I DO seek attention. I LIKE the spotlight. I WANT to be known. (Blame my daddy issues and my people-pleasing tendencies...perhaps to be explained in later posts).
It seems silly that I would be drawn to the light, but squint at its brightness. That I am like a moth to a flame, full well knowing the possible outcomes. I'm fully aware of what can happen if attention is gained for the wrong reasons (again, perhaps a future post), but I still want to put myself out there and I still experience the same cavernous pit in my stomach each time I do.
What brings about this rant of self-doubt? Well, besides my routine existence, I have a virtual book club meeting today. An online subscription book club where readers choose genres from new authors asked if I would talk for roughly thirty minutes. I LOVE talking about myself and my book, but I am so so nervous. What if no one shows up? What if lots of readers show up? What if they hated my book? What if they loved it and I'm a letdown? So many worries. (Besides being a people-pleasure and attention-hog, I am also a top-tier worry-wart.)
I'm not going to change...at least not anytime soon. I've been this way for forty years. I've been singing in front of audiences since I was five, I've been speaking competitively and professionally since high school, and I've been teaching for seventeen years. The butterflies are destined to flutter in my tummy before any event I deem important. Maybe therein lies the problem. I deem too many tasks important. Whether it reflects on me or others, I value relationships and connection so much that I don't want to let anyone down, including myself.
There's no absolution to this worry-wart's current worry-rant. But maybe there will be compassion and connection. If you, too, find yourself in this predicament, take solace in the fact that you aren't alone. And know that I've been experiencing this for over three decades, and, guess what? Every time, I do it. I get over it. I succeed...or at least survive. And you can, too.
That's what I'm telling myself as the virtual interview slips ever closer. And while I am annoyed with myself that I am anxious, I don't regret that I care about it enough to be anxious. Because as long as I care enough about putting myself out there, I will do it no matter how ferocious the butterfly wings flap.
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